My experiences of narcissistic abuse, part 4: Future faking and broken promises

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Soo, you are getting the picture… (pictures). But I’ll ramble on about it anyways for awhile, just to get it out of my system, what happened to me.  

Future faking

Yes, that’s a large part of what kept me hanging on. At first I was ashamed to think about this, let alone talk to anyone about it. That I got played for years, by someone who exploited my dreams to the maximum. That I was such a “fool” as to allow myself to be led on by someone who obviously never meant a word of what he was saying. I still to this day can not explain fully, how he managed to convince me again, every time. The future faking can exist of many things. I posted these pictures, cause it’s what I, and I believe, many people dream about. Having a family, making a commitment, getting engaged or married, creating a life and a future together. I have lost track of how many times the narcissist promised me these things. But, oddly enough, none of it ever materialized. None of it became reality. Cause it was just future faking. To keep me there, to keep me holding out for hope. If I waited just a little bit longer, surely it would all come true. Or atleast some of it. It never did.

I can share with you one of the most heart breaking experiences that I had on this theme, with the narcissist. We had talked about getting engaged. (This was after he had bailed out of an agreement to move in together, more than five times, in the year before). I asked him if he could consider this way of commitment, since he (obviously) couldn’t consider moving in together. I explained that after all the cheating/flirting/broken promises, I needed some form of commitment, for me to keep the faith that this was really meant to be, the two of us. This was after approximately 2 years of dating, which in my eyes wasn’t all that “fast”.(As he tried to claim many times, after his broken promises). Anywho, he agreed to it without much discussion. I asked him several times if he was sure. I was very worried within myself, whether he really meant it, and also pointed out, we could skip it, if he didn’t feel comfortable with it.

No, he went ahead with it. We bought the rings, sent them for engraving and everything. When the rings came from the store, he said: Maybe we should wait… for just one more month or so, until everyone knows, and have gotten used to the idea, that we’re back together again.

(We always broke up, more than 30 times in 3 years, so..). I didn’t know what to say, so I stormed out and broke up with him, yet again. I noticed one peculiar thing about his whole future faking. It always happened when he noticed I was unhappy in the relationship, or I was about to leave him, or I had already left him, yet again. It could happen at other times too, of course. He was fully aware of my dreams, and he didn’t have any concerns at all about tricking me, lying, and future faking, just to keep me around as a source of “narcissistic supply”. He was always adamant that one day we would surely do all those things. We would have a baby and move in together, for sure. No doubt about it. But after 3 years, I finally understood, none of it was ever gonna happen. Not ever. I’d been played.

Constantly broken promises

Of course this topic can be closely related to the above topic (future faking). However, it doesn’t have to be. It can be about other promises, too. You see, one of the “perks” of being a narcissist, is you can change your mind at any time. You don’t have to bother with keeping your word, hey, you’re not a robot, are you? You must follow your own beliefs and feelings, no matter where they lead you, right?

I’ve read a lot on this topic in countless websites and forums, trying desperately to understand, how a person can just throw out promises on a whim, as if it was yesterday’s newspaper. My personal belief, after reflecting on the many broken promises, small as well as big, is as follows. The broken promises are a bit different from the plain lies. When it comes to the broken promises, I think the narcissist feels they are doing “good”, they are being “a good person” when they promise you something. It probably fits well with their view of themselves, as some sort of hero, or star, if you will.

captain-america-861757__180  “Of course I’ll be there for you”. 

But when the time comes to honor the promise, they’re nowhere to be found. Or they’ve found an excuse to break the promise, and in their eyes that excuse is completely understandable and legit. Every time. It all depends on how they “feel” in the moment, if they have “something better to do”, etc. If it is in the least bit inconvenient to them in any way, you can almost be certain they won’t keep their word. I’ll give one small example, just to illustrate.

We had agreed to make a task together, me and the narcissist ex. This was a very important thing both to me, but also for our future. When he didn’t show up, I had to do all the work myself, and it took me about 2 days. He kept away the whole time. When asked why he didn’t help as promised, he shrugged and said he hadn’t felt it was “necessary”. And that was it. I had worked my a** off for 2 days, he’d broken his word to me, and all I got was a shrug and a brush-off? Once again, I felt like I had entered a parallel universe, where other rules than normal rules of social behavior, applied.

Whatever your dreams are, whatever things you plan with the narcissist in your life, you can be certain that they will let you down, time and time again, when it comes to promises and plans. If it’s inconvenient for them in anyway to keep their word, they won’t.

In the case of my narcissist, he even admitted it sometimes, what he was doing. In reference to the future faking, he said a few times, after he’d repeatedly broken a promise of moving in together: “But what am I supposed to do, I know you want all those things, like having a baby, and moving in together. So I have to say those things, to keep you. And besides, I will want those things too. Some day“. FYI, we were already in our mid 30’s, so I don’t know what he meant by “some day”, that we would have children in our 50’s maybe.

Anyway, it never crossed his mind that the right thing to do, might be to just let me go, and let me find someone who was more on my wavelength regarding commitment goals, and future plans. Nope, not for the ex-N. His only conclusion was that he had to keep future faking and lying, to get me to stay… After all, he is a narcissist. And if there is something they can not do, it is to put other people’s well-being and happiness, above their own needs. Nope. It’s the N:s way, or the highway!

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